I fear the routine of waking up with the knowledge that I'll go to work, leave work, go home, clean up, eat dinner, watch something on television, and go to bed. Knowing that there is nothing else to expect that day is enough to make me slightly panic. Yet I drink coffee every morning, could eat the same thing for lunch every day, and take a shower every night before bed and think nothing of it.
I guess I hate knowing what I am going to do every day. It feels almost as intense as a phobia. I hate predictability of "normal" life yet depend very heavily on the predictability of the few things I have made 'normal' for my own life. I want options, don't want to be locked in, want freedom, and want creativity. Is there a way to translate this into functioning life or just something I need to rewire in my brain? Do I just need to
Whatever this is exhausts relationships, friendships, even decisions- and the minute the exhaust sets in, I'm looking for the escape route.
In all, I am either particularly self-aware or excessively self-analytical.... or nuts. Just plain nuts :)
