There are so many topics I want to blog about but I don't know how they end... or how to tie them up in a cute bow to offer the reader. Heck, you should see the Christmas presents I wrap. Neat little bows are not a part of my genetics.
However for this post I am fighting my deep urge to be Dr. Phil and and write about something I don't
Marriage.
Lord willing, in five months, I will walk into a church as a single lady and walk out a wife. And there is no 'post engagement test' I have to take that will score my abilities or readiness....
In that hour I will unfortunately not have been given life's ultimate wisdom, I will not become miraculously mature, I will still not know how to cook, and I'll be just as selfish and emotionally dramatic as when I woke up that morning.
But I will be someone's wife. WIFE!!! What does that even mean? What are my roles and responsibilities? What is expected of me? The old, "To whom much is given, much is required", falls flat on me.
I don't mean to make blanket statements but it's fairly typical that our culture dates for awhile, starts itching for the ring, (because diamonds are pretty and that's just what you do) and then buys a kick- ass dress, and plans a huge expensive party.
And boy, do I have that covered.
Do you know what I don't have mastered? Healthful, fruitful, respectful, honoring relationship skills. Sure I love my fiance, we do eachother's laundry, we argue, we compromise, we mostly have the same dreams for our future... we are excited about the idea of being married... But no one has asked us our reasons for why we are choosing marriage.
I mean really asked us.
Let me put it this over-used, exhasted, cliche way:
Finishing a marathon is awesome! You muscles look hot, your facebook photos have street cred, you get to eat a million calories that day, people tell you how awesome they think you are. Sounds pretty good to me!
But how does one get to that point? A runner has to plan out: what shoes they need for their foot structure, what stretches their bodies need to incorporate before and after their runs, what pace to run on certain days to build endurance, how many carbs to eat, how much protein to eat, how much sleep to get. ALL of these factors will determine whether a runner will successfully run the race, walk some of the race, crawl over the finish line, or give up on mile 15 because, well, this shit is ridiculous.
I think that's a lot like being married....married, of course, the way marriage is intended.
I don't want to set out to run a marathon and end up walking the last five miles, or violently puke at mile 10 and quit, or train for a few months and give up because I'd rather sleep in on Saturday mornings than get up and run. If I set out to run a marathon I'm either gonna do it or I'm not; there are too many time investments and sacrifices at stake to not make it worth it.
And that's where I am right now. I'll be the first to confess I suck at being engaged. Over the last few months my main focus has been me. What makes me happy? What pisses me off? Or most frequently, what does my fiance do to make me upset and how does he need to change? How do we make this relationship pleasing to me?
This is not good. This is not getting me ready to flourish in my marriage. This will not prepare me to be the wife I am called to be.
I believe in the Biblical roots of and intention for marriage. God gives us eachother to love, respect, build up, challenge, be helpmates, and lay down our lives for one another. (And have lots of sex.) As much as I try to pick and choose which of those qualities I will be for that day, I know the key is to not only to be consistent, but to be consistent with a joyful heart. And that's counter-cultural! It's not human nature! It's HARD WORK!
In other words, I wouldn't expect to run 26.2 miles because I once ran a 5k. My desire (and prayer) is that I'll be further along in this process than where I am now...
...That I will walk down the aisle with an intentioned and prepared heart for my husband.
So here I am... 172 days away from Wifedom. May there be abundant grace and generous forgiveness along the way.
You're welcome:
Princess Bride- The Wedding
awesome post, whitney. i love your refreshing honesty, and am very impressed with your ability to look at the bigger picture of marriage, even though planning a big pretty wedding can be so much more fun (not to mention, super draining). as a wife of 5.5 year (eek!), i can say that the stuff you wrote about - being selfless, and forgiving, and focusing on changing yourself vs your mate, being loving and encouraging - is still a challenge and an area where i can grow leaps and bounds. but at the same time, i feel like some of these lessons have really hit home for me in the last year or so. i love the thought of getting as prepared as possible spiritually and relationally before the wedding, but praise God for continuing the work as the years go by!
ReplyDeleteI like this one, Whitney. Well done.
ReplyDelete...and the party looked DOPE.